A Midlife Crisis
© 2003-2005 Gary L. Benton
Maude looked around the mo'bile home and was not happy. She had expected much more in her life at the age of fifty. Things had not gone well for her at all. In high school she had had such high hopes and such big dreams. Sure, she had married Bubba (the man of her dreams) and they lived well, but it was still not what she expected outta life. In a way, Maude was mad at the way life had treated her and Bubba. I mean, Bubba worked hard and was successful in his own way, but there was more to life than a new truck, gun rack, and a double wide mo'bile home, right?
There was knock on the door and Maude knew it was Nadine Lucille. Nadine worked down at Andy's café and was a knock out by any standard. Most of the men went by for coffee just to see her when she was working. She had a big chest, nice firm rump, and Maude hated her for those assets. Why couldn't the woman be just a little fat like so many redneck women? Maude walked to the door and opened it.
Nadine was standing there with Taterhead, the beagle, jumping on her right leg. “That dawg is at hit again,” thought Maude, “He is such a jumper. I should have Bubba take him behind the house and thump him once behind the ear with a big stick.
But, she smiled at Nadine and said, “Just ignore him honey. He is like Bubba. He is jess happy to see you is all.”
“I done been ‘norin' his buns, but he won't stop.” Nadine said with more than a hint of anger in her voice.
“Taterhead! You go and count the chickens. Get outta heah and now!” Maude screamed and moved toward the dog.
Taterhead, scared, quickly moved back away from Nadine but started to growl at the two women. His fur was standing up and his teeth were bared. Saliva dripped from his open mouth.
“He looks just like Bubba when he is innerested in sex an' I say no.” Maude said and followed her statement with a loud horse like laugh.
Nadine laughed as well and moved into the mobile home. She looked around and was surprised to find that Maude was such a good housekeeper. Bubba always looked so dirty and unkempt that Nadine thought it was a family trait. Now she knew it was just Bubba. The boy would probably look bad dressed in gold and silk. Of course, Maude always look clean and dressed very well. After all, she bought all her clothes at Wally's World.
Maude offered Nadine a seat and soon the two of them were comfortable in the old over-stuffed sofa as they talked. The air was filled with cigarette smoke as the two woman started to discuss life in general.
“So, how be thangs heah in the holler Maude?” Nadine asked as she took a deep drag from her cigarette.
“Been as busy as a one legged man in a mile race ‘round heah. Bubba done made a new garden and our old truck needed a new block. Of course, the dawgs been a real handful and little Bubba Junior is starting to date girls.”
“What did you all put in the garden? I got me a small one out back.”
“We got us some ong-youngs, collard greens, some cabbages, and you know we got us some turnips as well.”
“Bubba been behavin' himself lately?”
“Now, Nadine, why would you ask a question like that of me?”
“Well, it's just that he has been a handful down at the diner. He is always a-joking and a-acting up. I was wonderin' if the two of you are a-getting along very well.”
“Shore, thangs is great with me and Bubba.” Maude said, as she made a mental note to nail Bubba's hide to the front door as soon as he came home from work.
“And, he has been in the café more than usual lately.” Nadine said as she stretched her long and shapely legs out in front of her.
“Lord, how I hate this woman.” Maude thought to herself as she caught herself looking at Nadine's very finely developed figure. She is near perfect body wise anyway Maude thought.
“I guess he is just a-meetin' some friends fer coffee and a few dis'cussions.”
“Well, I don't like the way he looks at me. He gives me the feeling he can see right through my unee'form and all.”
“Now, Nadine, he is jest a man and you know how good you look. I thank he is just a normal man and likes to look at the purty ladies. Has he said anythang that upset you?”
“Said anythang? Why of course not. He is a southern gentleman ya know. He jest looks.”
“Long as he jest looks, he is ok. You know Bubba, all mouth and no action.”
“Well, ifn you say so. But, if hit is not too much trouble would you say a word or two to him for me?”
“Nadine,” Maude thought to herself, “when I get done with Bubba's backside he won't even look at his momma, much less talk. He is in one big mess right now. There goes his trip to the VFW with the boys later tonight. I can unnerstand him a-lookin', cause Nadine deserves to be looked at with her body, but if she noticed hit, he has been up to his normal routine again.”
“Oh, fer yer sake, yea, I will say a word or three. I think you are a-makin' more outta this than is thar Nadine.” Maude said as she made a mental note to say much more than a word or three to the boy. Bubba would walk home to World War Three tonight after work.
For the rest of the afternoon they made small talk. They talked about things like, the coming hunting season, the new sheriff, and the coming hayride. Things went smoothly and soon Nadine was out the door.
After Nadine had left, Maude had spent the next two hours steaming with her thoughts of Bubba a-chasin' after Nadine. Sure, Nadine looked good, but her intellectual level was right there with a grub worm. She was ‘bout as dumb as a box of mud. Great body but a dead mind. She must be a natural blond Maude said to herself as she dried the last cup from the dishes. It was then she heard Bubba's old truck pull up into the driveway.
“Honey, I had a hard day at the Ger'rage. Thangs was a mess. And the new guy, Leroy Johnson, well, he just ain't workin' out very well. I needs me a cold ice tea.”
“That's hit huh? Just tell me how yer day went, huh? What ‘bout my day? Aren't you innerested in how my day went?”
Bubba had been married long enough to know he was in trouble. He thought back and tried to cover all aspects; the checkin' account was normal, zero, the truck payment had been on time, and obviously the ‘lectricity was still on so they hadn't cut it off yet. What could he have done? He reached in the fridge and took out the tea pitcher. As he poured a glass full of tea, he turned toward Maude, smiled at her and asked, “So, Maude, how did my favorite wife's day go?”
“Well, I had me a visitor. Nadine Lucille dropped by for the afternoon. We had us a good dee-skusion ‘bout how you and the boys been a -oodlin' her while she works. Now, what do you have to say fer yerself?”
“Guilty as charged my dear. She runs ‘round there with her stuff half a-hangin' out. What do you ‘spect a man to do? Course I look at her. But, I gotta eat and uncle Andy needs the business. I wouldn't be normal ifn I didn' look at her. I haint one of them funny fellows, so I look at women. Thar hain't a thang wrong with it either. You should be worried ifn I didn't look, woman.” Bubba lifted his tea and took a long slow swig before he turned toward Maude.
Maude was thinking. She loved Bubba and she knew all it took to make him happy was a good meal, a cold drink and a cheek full of chewing tobacco. He was fer sure low maintenance. She trusted him and she believed him, but he was a redneck man after all. That meant, to her anyway, he needed a short chain most of the time.
Bubba pulled Maude to him and kissed her on the left cheek. Reaching around he stroked her back as he said, “Maude, you listen hear heah? I hain't got the hots fer no other woman. When it comes to fee-males, this dawg don't hunt. I got all I can handle in just being married to you. I love you Maude and yer silly backwoods hills heart knows hit.”
“I know you do Bubba and I love you. But,…”
“But, what Maude? You mad at me over what that old cow said to ya?”
“Not in the least. Only, you keep yer eyes to yerself and spend less time in the café from now on, heah?”
“Shore thang Maude. I promise ya.” Bubba finished his tea as soon as he had spoken, reached in removed the pitcher, and poured himself another cold one.
He kissed Maude on the cheek once more and went into the living room to his favorite chair. As soon as he was seated, he removed his ball cap and placed it on the end table beside the chair. He turned the television on and selected his favorite channel, the Sports Network Y'all. He relaxed in the chair, placed his feet on the footstool and relaxed. He closed his eyes and thought to himself, “I wondered what is on the menu at uncle Andy's Café tomorrow for lunch. After all, a man had to eat, right?”
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© copyrighted by W.R. Benton, 2004. All rights reserved. This story is for the reading enjoyment of site visitors and may not be reproduced.
